Saturday evening round nine, on the gray couch in the living room. You see yourself smiling but you feel inside that something is not the way it is supposed to feel. You can’t really pinpoint what the cause is of that vague feeling. “Anyone something to drink or eat?” you ask and get up to the kitchen, where you find yourself leaning on the counter and look outside of the window. Your mind wonders of…

Pleasing, helping, serving others is something you automatically do. It is familiar, feels safe and secure….but not right deep down. 

It’s there, that feeling, that emptiness, that void,  but you don’t really know why it is there and what is the cause.

But you do know that you have gut issues, painful cramps, bloating like you are four months pregnant,  diarrhea and you feel depleted. Empty inside. 

You eat things that are not good for you to compensate for, compensate for what actually? And drink too much white wine.You are second guessing yourself and doubting your inner compass. Where to go? Which direction? There is an emptiness inside of you. You have everything to be grateful for, but feel unfulfilled. You are not feeling enough and not walking the walk, hiding in baggy clothes that do not celebrate your beautiful feminine body. 

For some reason you feel  so disconnected from your beautiful body and what it needs, that you seem to have missed some of the alarm bells up to the point that you are on the edge of burnout. Or just not feel good inside your own skin.

If you continue to go on like this, you feel that life will dry up on you. That you will not fully blossom and will end up like one of those supermarket roses in a vase who drop their heads without even opening up.

If you don’t answer to that inner yearning to express your true emotions and setting healthy boundaries, the balance is lost and physical challenges are unavoidable. 

Physical issues like IBS, brain fog, headaches by clenching your jaw too much.

A lump in your right boob, that results in a diagnosis of breast cancer around your fiftieth birthday.

An abnormal pap-smear result and a HPV virus as a pre-stadium of cervical cancer that doesn’t go away by itself. Like with everyone else.

Such heavy bleeding during your period weakens you because of iron depletion and that your doctor told you about the option of  ‘taking it all out’.

Such terrible PMS, that you are wondering what kind of nasty hag suddenly came to live in your body..

And hey? Where did the inner sex Goddess go? She used to be part of you. Now it seems you don’t have that passionate desire anymore and hot steamy sex in the shower is like a distant memory from the past. Only the steamy shower windows sometimes remind you of those moments in your past. 

How about the fear of feeling discarded after menopause? Anxiety about being literally dried up and finished. The night sweats, the hot flashes at awkward moments. OMG, when does this go away? What happened to my body? Can’t seem to lose those extra belly flabs.